So its that time of year again, the card stores are all done up in pink, naked winged children adorn every place of business and smile at you as if to say “Don’t you wish YOU were in love?” You see the strange phenomena of people pairing off and holding hands and you just don’t get it. When you go to the mall the normal drone of MUZAK is replaced by repulsive soft rock ballads that make your ears burn. You overhear a guy talk about the diamond pendant he just bought his girl and all you can think of is how much RAM that could buy. Yes single techies, the day of reckoning is upon you: It’s VALENTINES DAY!

Yessiree another year, another Hallmark moment that makes you feel like a total loser if you’re not: spending outrageous amount of money, making promises you don’t intend to keep and scrambling to make reservations at restaurants that were booked up months ago. And if you’re a single techie the feeling is even more intense. But I say to you the single techie, mourn not on this binary holiday, and instead have fun and if at someone’s expense, even better.

Here are our Top Five Alternative Ways to Spend Valentines Day for the Single Techie to spend this sickeningly sweet, rot your teeth, mind and anything else within radius, holiday. Read on Single One’s! Read On…

Number Five : Watch a Hyper Violent Movie

I Eat Naked, Winged, Arrow Toting Babies for Breakfast…
That’s right, get yourself something done by Schwarzenegger or Jean Claude Van Damme, grab some REAL butter popcorn, a six pack of Jolt, pop that puppy into your DVD player, crank the surround sound to 11 and bring on the noise. Nothing makes mushy romance seem miniscule when watching Arnold pump some guy full of lead for not parking his car right or Van Damme spin kicking that obviously evil guy in the nice suit for killing his masseuse. Nope, no substitute for a body count and a few good one-liners. It’s like the crack cocaine antidote to sighing kettle syndrome (aka single on Valentines Day).

Number Four : Lose Yourself in an RPG

So you don’t like our reality on Valentine’s Day? Why not take a 24hour vacation from yourself and live in a role playing game like World of Warcraft. Sure in this world you’re a dateless dweeb on a night of princes and princesses, but in World of Warcraft you can be a fearless Human Warrior or a sinister Undead Warlock who can get whatever they want and BY ANY MEANS.

With a Guild Like This, Who Needs Sex?
Pull the phone jack out of the wall, lock the doors, grab a Costco size bag of cheezies plus equal size Dr. Pepper, turn the lights off, set your eyes on blink once a minute mode and throw yourself into that other world. After the twentieth hour you’ll believe that you ARE that fearless Warrior and that your other life was just a dream. And as for LOVE, love is something the right amount of experience points and gold can’t buy.

Number Three : LAN PARTY!!!

Where are the girls?
A techie is part of a collective and no ONE techie stands alone. Why spend that one day alone and lamenting when you can get together and FRAG that guy from the software company down the street? Grab your modded out gaming box, 20 inch Widescreen LCD Screen, your LAN cables, your nanosecond reflexes and pump everyone full of lead on a free-for-all round of F.E.A.R. or any other hyper violent FPS Shooter. It’s a sure fire cure for the Valentine’s Day blahs. Nothing feels better than pulling a beautiful headshot with a shotgun “yeah let’s see some piddly handholding session compete with that baby!!”

Number Two : Pretend You’re Someone’s Secret Net Lover

Why should couples have all the fun on Valentine’s Day? For a little bit of Valentine’s Day entertainment go to a place where couples are sure to convene, like a coffee shop and scope out the sweetest couple you can find. Just when things are getting to look too Hallmark, waltz on over with a hurt look on your face and accuse one or the other (for added fun choose the one who’s the same gender as you) of cheating on you. In between Oscar award winning sobs and tears let the story about how you met the person online, about how they swore that you were the only one, and how wanted to surprise them by coming to town, fall out of you. After your tearful story, sit back and watch as you target struggles to figure out who you are, make sense of what you just said and assure their date that you’re a crack pot. (WARNING: Wear a good pair of runners because you may have to boot it out of there FAST).

Number ONE : Annoy Couples Making Out

If you’re a particularly bitter techie you can have some REAL fun for practically nothing and you can even make a little money off it too. Just be sure to have either a good pair of running shoes or an exceptional getaway driver. What you need is a laptop with a decent size hard drive, a web cam and maybe a cell phone modem. WiFi if it’s nearby. Now every city, town, or suburb has a make out place. Find one of them and await the arrival of cars carrying horny couples. Look for the car with its windows open or with its sunroof jammed open a crack. Making out in a car can get quite warm so the window or sunroof will pop open at one point or another. Now without letting your target know your there, set up your gear into a comfortable position and stick the web cam to either the window or sunroof and turn on the LIVE FEED. For bonus points see if you can get multiple angles. Stealth is KEY. If you’re detected you are TOAST. You ever see what happens to those guys on nature documentaries get too close to the horny West African Bull Elephant? Now all you have to do is SPAM your friends with the IP address and watch this feed go viral! Still Sulking?

**Futurelooks is not responsible if you’re stupid and get hurt or arrested trying anything mentioned in this article…just a warning… Not like its actually happened or anything…**

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